Fashion That Should Be Sucked Down A Black Hole

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Do humans look good, whether in tabi shoe, kitten heel, or bucket hat????Since forever, making something look good has been all about styling it.??For example, you can look chic in jeans that are massacred by a chainsaw or washed in acid?mortal jeans.??But are there fashions that never look good on anyone, no matter how expertly styled?

Interestingly, even people who would not think of themselves as fashion conscious will, when pushed, reveal a strong opinion concerning the fashion of others?fashion so bad that it deserves to be sucked down a black hole.

Is it that we find it easier to point out what we hate than what we we like???We don?t know what we want to wear, but we do know what we don?t want to see others wearing.??Why do humans bristle at a certain aesthetic???There are some fashions that make us seem much more like aliens than earth-dwellers.??It is the voyeur?s criticism?a judgment passed from high above the earth.

So, without further ado, here is some fashion for black holes, in no particular order:

1.)???????????????????Tabi Shoes?these date back to 15th?century Japan, but have been recently appropriated by such contemporary fashion brands as Maison Margiela.??The issue is that the toe of the shoe is that of an animal hoof.??The multi-toed sock is the tabi shoe?s distant cousin, but significantly less absurd than donning a centaur foot.??In ancient Greece, it would not have been a good thing for a human being to look like a monster.

2.)???????????????????Bucket Hats?from Fievel Mousekewitz, when his commissar cap gets drenched by a storm, to the droopy chapeaux of Paddington Bear, the bucket hat does not really do anything for the face except sadden it.

3.)???????????????????Teeny Tiny Kitten Heels?these are heels poised as an erect nipple, invisible to a person not lying flat on the ground.? They serve no function whatsoever aside from causing fatalities on cobblestones.

4.)???????????????????Quilted Jackets?not all quilted jackets are bad, but the ones that suck are shaped like rectangles.??Someone once described them to me as the jacket of the ?aspirational gentry,? the staple of a noontime lunch in Midtown Manhattan, where there is currently a quilted jacket zombie apocalypse.? But my problem with the quilted jacket is that it is a puffer coat without the stuffing, like a deflated, unhappy balloon.

5.)???????????????????Tube Dresses?sometimes streamline clothing is attractive, but the tube dress is a bungee sock with decapitated extremities.??The body is slurped into its sheath, amorphous, like Jell-O.??It is not a good look.

6.)???????????????????Belts The Width of WWE Belts?A thick belt can cut a fine line, but when its width exceeds nearly six inches, it is time to enter the heavy weight championship.

7.)???????????????????Cable Knit Caps with Short Brim?I ask you, what is the point???The brim has no function; it does not protect from the sun or wind.??Its brevity might harken back to the swank of a baseball cap with a turned up tip, but the cable pattern is then altogether inappropriate, especially in its usual heather cream color, akin to dirty snow.

8.)? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Pants with writing on the ass?To wear words on your clothing is a delicate art. It is especially tenuous, when it makes no sense: for example, on socks or underwear. But writing on the butt seems to me all too much like a kick-me sign.? If you’re going to have a tattoo for a day, do you want it to follow you around screaming, “JUICY,” embedded in velour and rhinestones?? FYI:? This throwback just debuted at NYFW.

9.)? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?Clear shoes?I actually really like clear shoes. The problem is if you wear them without socks and your clammy, bare toes suction cup the outer edges, Cinderella-stepsister style.

Is there a fashion that you want to banish at intergalactic speeds?

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